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I sat in my room and cried.  The good long deep cry that is usually reserved for the privacy of my bedroom.  I felt so inadequate and my weaknesses were evident.  How would I ever measure up to what the Lord wants me to be?

I thought I wasn’t having confidence in my own ability.  I was sure I was just not good enough.  I truly believed I had trust and faith in the Lord and simply didn’t have trust in myself.  What a big fat lie that is, and I had fully accepted and adopted it as truth.  No wonder I felt so horrible.

I believed Satan. He does that, he lies.  He strives to tear us down anyway he can, often in our own voice.  It wasn’t until I spent much time in study and prayer that I realized I was actually trusting in the arm of flesh, my own.  I was trusting my own inabilities over the Lord’s abilities.  Present before me were all the ways that I, if left to myself, could not accomplish the task at hand.  I didn’t have enough training or knowledge.  I was only believing in what I could see instead of having faith in what I couldn’t.

Clarity had come in a way I had not anticipated.  Was I actually believing in myself over God?  The realization was startling and humbling.  I consider myself a faithful person, so why would I trust my own way over God’s?  And yet I had.

Sometimes we have to fail, to do things the wrong way, to be taught a lesson of much grater value.

I didn’t like the feeling of worry or stress that took over as I cried in my bedroom, but it brought me to my knees, then carried me into God’s words.

Christ has said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” Moroni 7:33

Because of my failings, my first reaction to trust myself, I have come to know that God wants to guide us and give us the power to do what we could never do on our own.  Our role is that we must come to Him and believe in what we cannot see.  His role is to make us into much more than we would ever settle for.  I strongly believe He has a higher purpose and calling for each one of us. Will we let Him make us into that beautiful mansion?  Or will we settle for a simple little cottage? (CS Lewis quote I am referencing is at the bottom of this post)  One will bring untold joy and happiness and the other will bring mediocrity.  Where do we want to fall?

I will never be perfect in this life.  Most likely I will have to be taught this exact lesson some times again in the near future.  But I can continue to get up every single time I fall.  That is the power and majesty of the atonement.  Repentance is my dear friend and one I must call upon often.

The Lord knows us. He knows we have our challenges.” Elder Ballard

And what never ceases to amaze me is that He still profoundly, deeply, loves us.

Your needs are great and varied. Each of you is a unique child of God. God knows you individually. He sends messages of encouragement, correction, and direction fitted to you and to your needs.” Elder Eyring

His understanding of who I am is what can give me the courage to trust in Him when trusting becomes difficult.  I felt that as I struggled to trust what I could not see.  Even in my mistakes and wrongful thinking He still came in and gave me words of love and gentleness.  Encouragement and correction.  He showed me a much better way that I could never have seen while trusting only in what I could see. – SUSAN

CS Lewis Quote- My all time favorite Quote, I believe I have shared it on the blog before but it is worth sharing again

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

 

 

 

 

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